Seeing the standout green of these two painting made me think of the green which bursts forth in the spring in the garden and the surrounding countryside. The Talisman on the left was a breakthrough painting, although a sketch, by Paul Serusier in 1888: Describing the painting Maurice Denis wrote in 1903, "Thus we were presented, for the first time, in a form that was paradoxal and unforgettable, the fertile concept of a flat surface covered with colors assembled in a certain order. and Kadinsky's Arabian Garden, on the right, was pained in 1910. Kadinsky was one of the artists influenced by the work of Serusier. More of Kadinsky to follow. I love the new green of spring. It heralds a spiritual awakening and the beginning of gardening in earnest for the year ahead. The image I took of my rain blurred garden, on the left, was the colour basis for my experiment, Homage to My Spring Garden, on the right. After a quick search:
The inspiration for the experiment below, was the ridges on the top step of an old metal step ladder. Then formulated into an idea, a few seconds later, when thinking about the stuck thoughts of my OCD brain; visualising them trundling through my mind and evaporating.
The completed experiment evolves during the making from the original sparks and tentative plans. There comes a point, with each one, where it stands on its own and I quite often say to myself let it breathe for itself. Above Anni and Josef Albers. Bauhaus artists hugely influential within abstact art and design. Lived in America, after leaving Germany, for much of their lives where they worked as eduators as well as artists, designers and makers. I partigularly love The Grid Picture from 1921, JA. Also shown The Free-Hanging Room Divider from 1949, AA. Anni was kept from painting, as were all women, at the Bauhaus but made weaving a strong and inventive medium in it's stead.
I suppose in the experiment below I was inspired by the wire gridding of the squares and the interweaving of the elements in the different pieces above. No doubt more experiments will follow as I study their work. I could not face therapy without a workbook. It was not long before it became a Therapy Scrapbook. This led to My Minfulness Workbook (1&2) and this eventually became my journal which I still make entries in every day. This in turn led to what I called star doodling, which included deoration in the garden and on rollerblind for our home. My journal has a new sticker theme every week. The things I record are happiness, gratitude, grumbles, health updates, doings, plans, to-do lists, achievements and OCD updates.
As OCD, a malfunction of my brain, kept (keeps) hitting me with false danger signals. I responded by shutting down parts of my life I loved including creative endeavours, firstly photography and then star doodling. It has even had a go at gardening which, apart from my faith and our marriage, both of which it attacked, is the fundamental bedrock of my life. I thought the solution was to deal with it by putting myself on guard and tackling each and every fear thoroughly, trying to find a solution and safety through what I now know are compulsions. An impossible task in an impossible situation as the fears (away from the realm of real worries and natural anxieties) are a projection of a random worry-thought that has got snagged in my brain possibly due to a neurotransmitter imbalance or deficiency. This type of churning worry has miniscule or no reality in the present, for me. OCD magnifies it because I am vulnerable to fear, I have a sensitive nature, events in my life have led to an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, I am often tired or unwell (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) I have a strong sense of duty and I care so much.
I realise now that editing the positive, fulfilling, and meaningful out of my life was the worst thing to do, for me. I was just giving OCD a bigger space to operate in and further inflated it by cutting off the succour a joyful, meaningful and creative life gives me. I had put myself into a state of 'negative' neuroplasticity, if that exists. The result of this, probably needless to say was that the compulsions got worse and occurred more often. I became more frightened not less. I can only fight back by accepting I have OCD, knowing what it is and how it affects me, identifying my obsessions, resisting compulsions which are not going to make me safe and only reinforce the obsessions. To have a good handle on OCD's best friends panic, doubt, the inner critic, rumination, black & white thinking, catastrophising, avoidance, and procrastination. To care for myself, body and mind. To renew and strenghten my happy home life. To appreciate it without fearing it's loss. To keep in the parasympathetic state as much as I can. To nurture my vagus nerve (possibly damaged by first glandular fever and lately Covid). To return to the joy and awe of gardening and flower watching. To keep on with this project to know myself through art. To pick up my camera and absorb the beauty of what I see through the lens as it's colours and shapes play across the surface of my eye. To keep trying and never give up. NB these snippet-notes are only intended to be read by me as an aide - memoire. They are not intended as a review of the book or as a guide for others.
Sometimes I think it would be really good to know what I was actually doing. BUT in that case would I be bored witless in a week? Answers on a postcard please. After reading Agnes Martin once gave up painting because of an 'overdeveloped sense of responsibility.' I thought I would briefly write about my own experience of responsibility and OCD. Each individual’s experience of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is different. I am only writing here about my own experience and not as a guide for anyone else. Please seek help from trained medical professionals if you are concerned about your own mental health or you suffer with OCD. Like many sufferers of OCD I have an inflated sense of responsibility and often believe things are riskier than they are.
After this there were several more events which really frightened me and which I blamed myself for, although they were not my fault. I got to the point a few years ago where I looked at my life through a 'health and safety - just in case' filter and this is the point where I began to believe that things are riskier than they really are. Later I started editing my speech in my head before I spoke to make sure I was not going to upset someone with what I said. Then stopping photography because I needed to stay 'on guard'.
My compulsions in all such scenarios are to repeatedly check, clean and seek reassurance. Agnes Martin maintained her mental health issues where nothing to do with her art. My experiments are not about OCD. I am trying to keep on with this project because I am enjoying it; and as a stand against OCD, with the nagging doubts it lobs into my mind trying to stop me.
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My Shape Art Notebook "OCD stops you taking risks with your potential"
Jeffery M Schwartz from two shapes and six colours...Fighting back against OCD; to find a renewed life where I can be creative, happy and fulfilled. This project is part of that battle. The information recorded in this Blog-Notebook is my personal experience not a recommendation.
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